Bar Jokes

[jhallen]

TGIF! It's been a rough week, so I'm in need of some additional material. I'm hopeful that this will spark some of you to help add to my collection.   A sandwich came into a bar one night. The bartender stepped up and saw plainly that the new customer was a sandwich and shouted, "Hey get outta here we don't serve food in here!" A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a pint of beer.  "Sorry, I can't serve you," states the bartender.  "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.  "You're under 21, " replies the bartender. Enjoy!

[doncie]

Hi Jill.... We just LUV jokes down here at SRC!!!! Why couldn't the pony talk? He was a little horse! & Why is a moon rock tastier than an earth rock? Because it's a litle meteor. :-)) Ã

[Bill]

A Bhuddist monk walks into a pizzeria. "What'll you have?" asks the clerk. The monk says, "Make me one with everything." (Gotta love existentialist humor!) Happy weekend, everyone!

[sharbeson]

Why did the man dance in front of his tasty beverage? It said "twist to open"

[Keezer]

Jill, I can't resist.... "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground." Two silk worms were in a race. What was the result? A tie.

[Mary23]

Why did the missionary cross the road? To convert the chicken.

[Joy_Fress]

Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the armadillo it can be done.

[Adrian_Keys]

Enjoy the jokes. Here's one for you. So, a horse walks into the bar. The bartender says. Hey, why the long face?

[Pete_Scaltrito]

So, a Shriner walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, why the long fez?" OR: An elderly Greek man walks into a Tailor Shop run by another Greek man and shows him a pair of pants and asks: "Eumenides?". The tailor answers : "Why, Euripides?". I guess the answer to both is "Yes".

[Micheline_Hutso]

A skeleton walks into the bar, asking for a beer and a mop.

[Mike9]

You know why sharks don't eat clowns? They taste funny!

[Scott32]

A termite walks into a bar and asks another termite " Is the bar tender here?"

[Kurt_Fisher]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says - hey, we have a drink named after you. To which the grasshopper replies - "What, Herman?"

[Maria_van_Olphe]

Here's one for you.. There were 2 peanuts walking down the alley... one was a salted ( asaulted ).

[blusk]

Hey Jill, What do you call the offerings a male cat leaves in the litterbox? Kat-man-do

[Jody_Keydash]

Two snakes go in to a bar and the one snake says to the other....are we poisonous? The other snake says, why do you want to know. The other snake answers...cause I just bit my lip!

[Phil15]

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. One atom turns to the other and says, "Hey, I think I just lost an electron!" "Really, are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

[kkleist]

What do you call a fly that can't fly?? A Walk

[FriendofBlogBoy]

Ok, I've resisted the temptation to jump into the midst of this, but these are getting SO bad now that they've dropped down to the level of humor that I love, so here goes: 1.) What if there were no hypothetical questions? 2.) If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands off with soap? 3.) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation? 4.) Is there another word for 'synonym'? 5.) What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 6.) If a parsley farmer loses a lawsuit, can they garnish his wages? 7.) If a turtle loses his shell, is he considered naked or homeless? 8.) Are vegetarians allowed to eat animal crackers? 9.) If the police arrest a mime, do they advise him that he has the right to start speaking? 10.) What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? 11.) Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 12.) Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults seem to enjoy adultery? 13.) If one synchronized swimmer drowns, will the rest of the team drown too? 14.) If you ate some pasta and some antipasto, would you still be hungry? 15.) If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done? 16.) Why is it called 'tourist season' if we aren't allowed to shoot them? 17.) Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Hasn't it already soured? Kim 🙂

[FriendofBlogBoy]

a friend recently sent me this gem: "Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott" ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W." COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes, at no extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START"...... Kim 🙂

[Bryce1]

One more for you Jill, How do you tell male and female chromosomes apart; Pull down thier genes

[Jill4]

Thanks guys! I have restocked the joke file. Please add new ones when you hear them. It's so great to know I have others that appreciate good humor.